Hi - If you've come here looking for Team Spiridon, don't be dismayed by the lack of any signs of life. This site gives us a landing point, and I do post some information on it, but I mostly bombard our runners with a couple of lengthy emails a week during training.
This summer, a handful of us are training for the Chicago Marathon, and spending the balance of our time wondering what we were thinking, and just how hot it's possible for it to get here.
If you want some more information on Team Spiridon, stay tuned, or email me.
We look forward to hearing from you - stay hydrated!
Rob
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Important Chicago Marathon Rule
"This means, for example, that urinating or defecating anywhere on or near the course shall be strictly prohibited except in toilet facilities."
Spiridon Flying Circus Expedition X
OK, you bunch of clowns and carnies - there is now a button on the left there for the Chicago Expedition. I'm working on the entire schedule, but I can tell you that being slightly more experienced runners, I'm getting you started a little quicker with the "short" mileage, then giving you a little more space in the middle, where you'll build some strength and speed, and then giving you plenty of recovery space for the last three long runs, which will take you to 23 or 24 miles rather than the usual 22.
This first phase of training is just going to build your aerobic base, so on your solo and long runs, just focus on getting the miles and time in, and don't worry about speed. Laura and Amber - you're coming off of post marathon and half-marathon lay-offs. Alex, you've been running like a fiend and could use some rest. Debbie's coming back from an injury. The heat and humidity are also going to take some getting used to. So, go easy and be OK with whatever time you turn in. There'll be another phase where we work on speed.
You're still getting plenty of hills, though given the flatness of the Chicago course, I might minimize it a bit, but will probably at least end each run with a short uphill, just like the stupid one at 800 meters from the finish.
Most importantly, get out there and do your damned runs. You've all spent $125 on registration, $226 on flights, you'll be spending money for the hostel and post-race booze and pizza. This is not something you can half-ass. You're buying into an opportunity to have a good time, but to run a great race that you'll always remember. But every day for the next six months, you have to make the right choices, or it's all for nothing. Got it? Good.
This first phase of training is just going to build your aerobic base, so on your solo and long runs, just focus on getting the miles and time in, and don't worry about speed. Laura and Amber - you're coming off of post marathon and half-marathon lay-offs. Alex, you've been running like a fiend and could use some rest. Debbie's coming back from an injury. The heat and humidity are also going to take some getting used to. So, go easy and be OK with whatever time you turn in. There'll be another phase where we work on speed.
You're still getting plenty of hills, though given the flatness of the Chicago course, I might minimize it a bit, but will probably at least end each run with a short uphill, just like the stupid one at 800 meters from the finish.
Most importantly, get out there and do your damned runs. You've all spent $125 on registration, $226 on flights, you'll be spending money for the hostel and post-race booze and pizza. This is not something you can half-ass. You're buying into an opportunity to have a good time, but to run a great race that you'll always remember. But every day for the next six months, you have to make the right choices, or it's all for nothing. Got it? Good.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Texas Round-Up Race Plan
Hey, everyone that's running the Round-Up tomorrow,
Sorry not to get this out sooner. On the other hand, you all know the drill by now - you went to the Round-Up website and looked at the course and elevation map - http://www.texasroundup.org/10K_5K_Race/Race_Route.aspx
You may have even driven the course...
I'm actually working the race - you may see me around the start, and after, I'll be at the Awards stage. I might be able to hit breakfast with you guys at some point, we'll just have to see how things are going. I need to earn the sweet Nike schwag I got.
So, if you guys want to meet up before the race, I'd recommend doing it on the small stairs just across MLK from where Congress ends.
The race starts at 8, so you work backwards - I think you're using the D-chips (disposable), so that's not something you have to plan for. There'll be 4,000-5,000, I believe, so some of you will want to be fairly close to the front. You should all figure on getting to the start by 7:40. You'll want that last bit of bathroom time - this is a Conley Sports run race, so you know there'll be enough porta potties (though someone's always gonna complain), but there'll still be lines. So, plan on being in line by 7:25.
It would be good to get in about a 10-minute warmup, followed by some light drills, just to get loose. I suggest running your warmup in campus, on Speedway - it's nice and flat, and shouldn't have traffic. You can probably just run down to Dean Keeton and back - that's about a mile. The warm-up should be easy and chatty, just to get the blood flowing, but every now and then, do a "pick up", where you increase the speed just a little, just for 20-30 seconds.
For drills, do side-to-side, over and under, high knees, butt kicks (gently - just get loose), and a little backwards - carefully.
OK, so the course. It's going to be tight, I think. I think we have four lanes of roadway going from the start at 18th and Congress up to 15th, but still - it's a lot of people. I am not certain how the 5K and 10K will be split (I missed that meeting, sorry), but pay attention to that when you go to the start.
So, don't get pushed outside or pinched inside on the first couple of turns. Don't run over the curbs - it's asking for a turned ankle in a pack like that.
Use the first mile to get into a rhythm. Some of you that ran 10K's recently should know what your pace feels like. Try to get close to that, but don't push too much - you have hills ahead.
Right turn on 15th - a tiny hill
Right turn on Lavaca - just a very, very slight uphill grade, nothing to worry about.
Left on MLK, into a short downhill
Right on Guadalupe - a very slight upward grade. Mile one is probably somewhere in front of the tower.
Right on Dean Keeton - for those of you that ran the marathon this year or the Human Race last year, here's your payback - you're running down Dean Keeton. Here, as before, keep your form. You're going to pick up speed, regardless, but don't let it push your heart rate up much at all, and don't let it increase the impact or load on your quads too much. Form, form, form. You have to remember that you're running down into a small valley, and you've got to come up the other side. Use this time to relax and prepare - you're still going to pick up time.
When you get to San Jacinto, you start going up. Mandy and Kristin may be on this corner doing their Cover Girl thing. Wave hi, point at your Spiridon shirt, and get a shout-out.
Here, many people are going to have blown it out down the hill, and here's where you'll pass them as you go slow and steady. It's long to get to the top, then you have another shorter down-and-up, so you've got to keep your heart rate under control, and your legs from getting into lactate threshhold problems - you need to stay loose and just chug up it. You will lose time going up this, most likely, but that's fine. The course will give and take.
Mile 2 is somewhere along this hill.
When you pass the law school (big white boring building) on your right, it levels off slightly for a bit, and with just one more incline ahead. Also, when you pass the law school, think of me and give it the bird.
At Red River, you crest the hill, and go under I-35 - it's steep, so be careful. And, you have to come up the other side, but it's a short one - nothing like Crazy 8's or Rainbow.
Right turn on Lafayette, before you get to Hoover's. This is the other location Mandy and Kristin might be at.
When you cross Manor, the street you're on becomes Chicon. We've done much of this run. From here, you have a long downhill. Take this with a huge grain of salt, but I feel like this is a good decision point. If you've had an easy time of it, this is a good place to increase your pace. But be mindful of the fact that the downhill doesn't last long, and you'll have 50-foot elevation change rollers for a couple of miles after that. You can't increase too much.
You can think about your breathing:
1. Let's say you you exhale as your left foot strikes
2. Right strikes
3. Left strikes (if you're exhaling again, you're at about 5K or better pace, and you're screwed)
4. Right strikes - maybe you exhale here, and you're probably OK, depending on how good your conditioning is, but it's probably just a little fast
5. Left foot strikes - this is probably the safer timing
Now, I don't mean for you to try to time your breathing with your footstrikes, but if you don't have a real good sense of your pace, it'll help. Remember, the relationship of pace to breathing is not coincidental or arbitrary - you breathe harder because of what your cells require to burn fuel to do what you're asking of your body. Ask too much, and it can only do so much before fatigue sets in or you hit your lactate threshhold.
Mile 3 is about halfway down, probably around E. 14th/16th
Anyway.
You get a bit of uphill right before 11th, but I don't think it's too bad.
Right on 11th - flat, as I recall. Mile 4 is around Concho.
Left on Comal - downhill
Right on 7th - short uphill
Right on Navasota - very slight, probably imperceptible uphill grade
Left on 11th - again, you've been here before. Nice easy downhill, and somewhere around San Marcos or Curve Street is mile 5 - one mile to go. Time to pick up the pace. Maybe start exhaling on that 3 instead of 4, and see how that feels. Remember, it's just a mile, but it's still a mile.
Around Nueces, you have one of the last tests - a short uphill to San Jac, but you know the downhill on the other side, with just a very short, insignificant uphill after that. It doesn't matter now, because you should be really going.
Right on Colorado.
A little 13th-Lavaca-14th bump to the left, to the left. All this is very slightly uphill, but not enough to keep you from maintaining or increasing your pace. If you're not hurting a little when you hit 14th, you need to go. This is far easier than most of your workouts. Work.
Right on 15th, real briefly.
Left on Congress, and it's three blocks of slight downhill. Stay relaxed, but pick up your footspeed and go, go, go.
I truly believe this can be a fast course, if you run it right. Come look for me afterwards and tell me how it went, and good luck...
Sorry not to get this out sooner. On the other hand, you all know the drill by now - you went to the Round-Up website and looked at the course and elevation map - http://www.texasroundup.org/10K_5K_Race/Race_Route.aspx
You may have even driven the course...
I'm actually working the race - you may see me around the start, and after, I'll be at the Awards stage. I might be able to hit breakfast with you guys at some point, we'll just have to see how things are going. I need to earn the sweet Nike schwag I got.
So, if you guys want to meet up before the race, I'd recommend doing it on the small stairs just across MLK from where Congress ends.
The race starts at 8, so you work backwards - I think you're using the D-chips (disposable), so that's not something you have to plan for. There'll be 4,000-5,000, I believe, so some of you will want to be fairly close to the front. You should all figure on getting to the start by 7:40. You'll want that last bit of bathroom time - this is a Conley Sports run race, so you know there'll be enough porta potties (though someone's always gonna complain), but there'll still be lines. So, plan on being in line by 7:25.
It would be good to get in about a 10-minute warmup, followed by some light drills, just to get loose. I suggest running your warmup in campus, on Speedway - it's nice and flat, and shouldn't have traffic. You can probably just run down to Dean Keeton and back - that's about a mile. The warm-up should be easy and chatty, just to get the blood flowing, but every now and then, do a "pick up", where you increase the speed just a little, just for 20-30 seconds.
For drills, do side-to-side, over and under, high knees, butt kicks (gently - just get loose), and a little backwards - carefully.
OK, so the course. It's going to be tight, I think. I think we have four lanes of roadway going from the start at 18th and Congress up to 15th, but still - it's a lot of people. I am not certain how the 5K and 10K will be split (I missed that meeting, sorry), but pay attention to that when you go to the start.
So, don't get pushed outside or pinched inside on the first couple of turns. Don't run over the curbs - it's asking for a turned ankle in a pack like that.
Use the first mile to get into a rhythm. Some of you that ran 10K's recently should know what your pace feels like. Try to get close to that, but don't push too much - you have hills ahead.
Right turn on 15th - a tiny hill
Right turn on Lavaca - just a very, very slight uphill grade, nothing to worry about.
Left on MLK, into a short downhill
Right on Guadalupe - a very slight upward grade. Mile one is probably somewhere in front of the tower.
Right on Dean Keeton - for those of you that ran the marathon this year or the Human Race last year, here's your payback - you're running down Dean Keeton. Here, as before, keep your form. You're going to pick up speed, regardless, but don't let it push your heart rate up much at all, and don't let it increase the impact or load on your quads too much. Form, form, form. You have to remember that you're running down into a small valley, and you've got to come up the other side. Use this time to relax and prepare - you're still going to pick up time.
When you get to San Jacinto, you start going up. Mandy and Kristin may be on this corner doing their Cover Girl thing. Wave hi, point at your Spiridon shirt, and get a shout-out.
Here, many people are going to have blown it out down the hill, and here's where you'll pass them as you go slow and steady. It's long to get to the top, then you have another shorter down-and-up, so you've got to keep your heart rate under control, and your legs from getting into lactate threshhold problems - you need to stay loose and just chug up it. You will lose time going up this, most likely, but that's fine. The course will give and take.
Mile 2 is somewhere along this hill.
When you pass the law school (big white boring building) on your right, it levels off slightly for a bit, and with just one more incline ahead. Also, when you pass the law school, think of me and give it the bird.
At Red River, you crest the hill, and go under I-35 - it's steep, so be careful. And, you have to come up the other side, but it's a short one - nothing like Crazy 8's or Rainbow.
Right turn on Lafayette, before you get to Hoover's. This is the other location Mandy and Kristin might be at.
When you cross Manor, the street you're on becomes Chicon. We've done much of this run. From here, you have a long downhill. Take this with a huge grain of salt, but I feel like this is a good decision point. If you've had an easy time of it, this is a good place to increase your pace. But be mindful of the fact that the downhill doesn't last long, and you'll have 50-foot elevation change rollers for a couple of miles after that. You can't increase too much.
You can think about your breathing:
1. Let's say you you exhale as your left foot strikes
2. Right strikes
3. Left strikes (if you're exhaling again, you're at about 5K or better pace, and you're screwed)
4. Right strikes - maybe you exhale here, and you're probably OK, depending on how good your conditioning is, but it's probably just a little fast
5. Left foot strikes - this is probably the safer timing
Now, I don't mean for you to try to time your breathing with your footstrikes, but if you don't have a real good sense of your pace, it'll help. Remember, the relationship of pace to breathing is not coincidental or arbitrary - you breathe harder because of what your cells require to burn fuel to do what you're asking of your body. Ask too much, and it can only do so much before fatigue sets in or you hit your lactate threshhold.
Mile 3 is about halfway down, probably around E. 14th/16th
Anyway.
You get a bit of uphill right before 11th, but I don't think it's too bad.
Right on 11th - flat, as I recall. Mile 4 is around Concho.
Left on Comal - downhill
Right on 7th - short uphill
Right on Navasota - very slight, probably imperceptible uphill grade
Left on 11th - again, you've been here before. Nice easy downhill, and somewhere around San Marcos or Curve Street is mile 5 - one mile to go. Time to pick up the pace. Maybe start exhaling on that 3 instead of 4, and see how that feels. Remember, it's just a mile, but it's still a mile.
Around Nueces, you have one of the last tests - a short uphill to San Jac, but you know the downhill on the other side, with just a very short, insignificant uphill after that. It doesn't matter now, because you should be really going.
Right on Colorado.
A little 13th-Lavaca-14th bump to the left, to the left. All this is very slightly uphill, but not enough to keep you from maintaining or increasing your pace. If you're not hurting a little when you hit 14th, you need to go. This is far easier than most of your workouts. Work.
Right on 15th, real briefly.
Left on Congress, and it's three blocks of slight downhill. Stay relaxed, but pick up your footspeed and go, go, go.
I truly believe this can be a fast course, if you run it right. Come look for me afterwards and tell me how it went, and good luck...
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Filler.
OK, I'm catching up with work BS and other stuff, as well as trying to regain my taste for beer and finding spare moments to lay very still and moan quietly to myself. I'll get a race report written tonight - in the meantime, send me yours, and I'll put those up, too.
So, because I was asked to do so, let's start on a low note (specifically, E):
So, because I was asked to do so, let's start on a low note (specifically, E):
Friday, February 13, 2009
showtime
in keeping with the marathon's green theme, this, from february 2005, gets recycled.
no iPod necessary tonight. i'm at the bar at halcyon, lovely cold amber bubbling in a glass before me.
tom petty's playing - an american girl. earlier, journey, separate ways.
the songs of my youth. my youth - what a weird phrase to use. few memories exist where the radio isn't playing. i remember life marked out in time with music, with rock and roll, on KLBJ, on Z-102, on cassette tapes and eventually cd's.
i'm riding high. i feel myself rushing towards the surface from the depths, like one of the bubbles in my beer, driving smoothly upwards towards the heavens.
i went to take this picture after work, a mission that has bugged me for days. my coworker felipe went with me, walked part of the way, stayed behind to make a phone call. i ran across and along the access road, free on our first clear and crisp day in weeks, running past the people and the cars mired in rush hour traffic. i ran instinctively to a point on the grassier verge, turned, brought the camera up to my eye, and there through the viewfinder was the sun, low in the sky now, backlighting a glowing brushstroke of a cloud, and there, the sign, yellow, saying simply, "showtime."
on tuesday, i was awash in emotions. maybe illness or fatigue, but a few times that day, i was overwhelmed, and i felt the warmth build up behind my eyes, before i'd push it all back. but one moment that day hit me more squarely, more firmly, as i drove up to the Runtex Store for Psychotic Running People, and saw the sign.
i had run my first half-marathon a couple of weeks ago. and as important as it was, as an accomplishment, and a catharsis, it still seemed like a part of the preparation for the freescale half-marathon.
so, i didn't understand why, as i saw the sign, but even now, thinking of it, i feel again the same warmth, the same tightening in the throat. and this time, the words on the page blur in my vision, and the ink itself begins to blur in drops on the page.
there is so much in a life, so much to feel and know and remember, but nevertheless, there are those moments and events that we single out, that resonate more deeply for us, that we know will linger.
so much of life is preparing, so often for dreams, worthwhile or misguided, that may or may not come true.
this thing, preparing for this run, is a small thing for some runners, a small thing in this life, certainly a small thing in this world, but still... so many miles. so much effort, so much wanting and needing. so much love and encouragement from so many people, lifelong friends, new friends, old loves, even strangers, even from a friend now gone. so much wanting to help, to be a part of something, so much help from people for that friend's daughter, for a little girl they may never meet.
i hear all the footsteps run, all the pavement and trail underfoot, i hear all those voices, i hear my own, cursing myself, praising myself, i feel everything of the last four months, i feel the echoes of preparations and hopes of a life already long but not done, all saying steadily, confidently, now, "showtime."
no iPod necessary tonight. i'm at the bar at halcyon, lovely cold amber bubbling in a glass before me.
tom petty's playing - an american girl. earlier, journey, separate ways.
the songs of my youth. my youth - what a weird phrase to use. few memories exist where the radio isn't playing. i remember life marked out in time with music, with rock and roll, on KLBJ, on Z-102, on cassette tapes and eventually cd's.
i'm riding high. i feel myself rushing towards the surface from the depths, like one of the bubbles in my beer, driving smoothly upwards towards the heavens.
i went to take this picture after work, a mission that has bugged me for days. my coworker felipe went with me, walked part of the way, stayed behind to make a phone call. i ran across and along the access road, free on our first clear and crisp day in weeks, running past the people and the cars mired in rush hour traffic. i ran instinctively to a point on the grassier verge, turned, brought the camera up to my eye, and there through the viewfinder was the sun, low in the sky now, backlighting a glowing brushstroke of a cloud, and there, the sign, yellow, saying simply, "showtime."
on tuesday, i was awash in emotions. maybe illness or fatigue, but a few times that day, i was overwhelmed, and i felt the warmth build up behind my eyes, before i'd push it all back. but one moment that day hit me more squarely, more firmly, as i drove up to the Runtex Store for Psychotic Running People, and saw the sign.
i had run my first half-marathon a couple of weeks ago. and as important as it was, as an accomplishment, and a catharsis, it still seemed like a part of the preparation for the freescale half-marathon.
so, i didn't understand why, as i saw the sign, but even now, thinking of it, i feel again the same warmth, the same tightening in the throat. and this time, the words on the page blur in my vision, and the ink itself begins to blur in drops on the page.
there is so much in a life, so much to feel and know and remember, but nevertheless, there are those moments and events that we single out, that resonate more deeply for us, that we know will linger.
so much of life is preparing, so often for dreams, worthwhile or misguided, that may or may not come true.
this thing, preparing for this run, is a small thing for some runners, a small thing in this life, certainly a small thing in this world, but still... so many miles. so much effort, so much wanting and needing. so much love and encouragement from so many people, lifelong friends, new friends, old loves, even strangers, even from a friend now gone. so much wanting to help, to be a part of something, so much help from people for that friend's daughter, for a little girl they may never meet.
i hear all the footsteps run, all the pavement and trail underfoot, i hear all those voices, i hear my own, cursing myself, praising myself, i feel everything of the last four months, i feel the echoes of preparations and hopes of a life already long but not done, all saying steadily, confidently, now, "showtime."
Thursday, February 12, 2009
taper madness in the workplace...
Before my first marathon in 2006, until, not coincidentally, a few days after my first marathon, I used to have a "real" lawyer job, a permanent one with benefits and suits and ties and all. Well, not really, because I worked for the state (sorry, Jenn). I was an attorney for the Board of Dental Examiners - we licensed and regulated dentists, dental hygienists, dental assistants, and propane accessories, or something to that effect. My office was on the 8th floor of the Hobby Building, across from Gingerman (which is why I still have sweet parking), and it looked out at Auditorium Shores. There, that week, I first experienced the full sweep of taper madness...
good afternoon, this is rob.
yes. yes, ma'am. i see. well, tell me what happ... oh, snap, i can see the finish line from my office. i didn't realize that...
what? oh, no, please, go ahead.
right. i see. so the dentist pulled the wrong tooth. because he was drunk. on absynthe. wow, that's different. real different. no, different is good. no, not so much for you, of course not.
ok, ma'am, i understand you're very upset, and in what you understand to be "pain." yes, ma'am, i made the air quotes. that was very perceptive of you. now, i grant you, you sound like you've got about 10 packets of banana blast gu in your maw, but i think you need to put this in perspective. now, i...
i'm sorry? hello, it's a carb replacement energy gel. well, maybe if you turned off matlock and got off your ass, you'd have known that.
uh, no ma'am, i said... if jews turned over and cottoned giraffes, you'd have known that. no, ma'am that doesn't make sense, but it's ok, i'm a runner. i mean, an attorney.
so, look, i feel for you, but i mean, it's not like you've got, say, an IT band problem, or a stress fracture, or plantar fasciitis. heard of that? yeah, i got that. i get these pains in my feet that go up my ankle, and they annoy me and make me want to kick my cats, if it wouldn't, you know, hurt my feet. plus, they'll sleep next to my legs the night before the run and keep the hammies warm. no ma'am those aren't small hams.
you can file a complaint online, on our website. you don't need to talk to me. especially today. i mean... are you... are you talking to me? are you talkin' to me? cause... i don't see anyone else that's running a marathon this sunday.
you know, i shouldn't even be at work right now. i mean, what the hell? i'm making calls trying to see what the hell the hold-up is with sunday. i think my calendar is slow. i should be home stress-testing my socks, and making sure there's no exposed elastic in the liner of my shorts. i should be hanging upside down in a vat full of icewater and listening to some ice cube, ac/dc, and mars volta to keep me mentally prepared. i shouldn't be here sneaking monopolova into my iced tea at work.
but here i am, listening to your petty problems. oh, a golf-ball sized abscess? oozing pus? yeah, well, i got a toenail i could show ya that'd make you gag. what? a fever? A FEVER? you wanna talk about hot - do you know the temp outside? it's 79 DAMN DEGREES! the wind is gusting up to 16 mph from the SOUTH! that's a headwind! what? why in god's name would anyone be going north on sunday morning? are you mental?
i need sunday morning's temperatures to curve smoothly from 38 degrees at 7:00 am, to 50 at about 11:30. i need low humidity. and a tailwind. i was promised a tailwind. i converted to catholicism two weeks ago just to get low humidity and a tailwind. so help me god, and i mean that literally, i'll go aetheist!
no, i'm not spending taxpayer money staying glued to weather websites. i opened a personal credit card to pay a meteoroligist to sit in my office and give me verbal reports every ten minutes, freeing me up to study the course map carefully during my work hours. i don't know, he used to work in portland, then there was something about a career day visit to the local highschool. not important, except it made him a little more affordable.
so, you know, it's easy for you to sit there and mumble, with very poor diction, i might add, "look at me, my 72 year-old negligently mangled mouth hurts, i might die from the infection. wahhhh." but sunday morning, while you're watching faux news and gumming some pureed scrambled eggs, ima be at about mile 14, schvitzing through whatever nike dri-fit shirt i finally decide on, hoping the bandaids hold on over my nipples, and trying to focus on the hot girl in the black tights in front of me, hoping it'll distract me from the weird twinge of pain in my left ass cheek.
yeah, you're damn right. no, don't cry, you didn't know. now you do. call me back on tuesday. afternoon.
good afternoon, this is rob.
yes. yes, ma'am. i see. well, tell me what happ... oh, snap, i can see the finish line from my office. i didn't realize that...
what? oh, no, please, go ahead.
right. i see. so the dentist pulled the wrong tooth. because he was drunk. on absynthe. wow, that's different. real different. no, different is good. no, not so much for you, of course not.
ok, ma'am, i understand you're very upset, and in what you understand to be "pain." yes, ma'am, i made the air quotes. that was very perceptive of you. now, i grant you, you sound like you've got about 10 packets of banana blast gu in your maw, but i think you need to put this in perspective. now, i...
i'm sorry? hello, it's a carb replacement energy gel. well, maybe if you turned off matlock and got off your ass, you'd have known that.
uh, no ma'am, i said... if jews turned over and cottoned giraffes, you'd have known that. no, ma'am that doesn't make sense, but it's ok, i'm a runner. i mean, an attorney.
so, look, i feel for you, but i mean, it's not like you've got, say, an IT band problem, or a stress fracture, or plantar fasciitis. heard of that? yeah, i got that. i get these pains in my feet that go up my ankle, and they annoy me and make me want to kick my cats, if it wouldn't, you know, hurt my feet. plus, they'll sleep next to my legs the night before the run and keep the hammies warm. no ma'am those aren't small hams.
you can file a complaint online, on our website. you don't need to talk to me. especially today. i mean... are you... are you talking to me? are you talkin' to me? cause... i don't see anyone else that's running a marathon this sunday.
you know, i shouldn't even be at work right now. i mean, what the hell? i'm making calls trying to see what the hell the hold-up is with sunday. i think my calendar is slow. i should be home stress-testing my socks, and making sure there's no exposed elastic in the liner of my shorts. i should be hanging upside down in a vat full of icewater and listening to some ice cube, ac/dc, and mars volta to keep me mentally prepared. i shouldn't be here sneaking monopolova into my iced tea at work.
but here i am, listening to your petty problems. oh, a golf-ball sized abscess? oozing pus? yeah, well, i got a toenail i could show ya that'd make you gag. what? a fever? A FEVER? you wanna talk about hot - do you know the temp outside? it's 79 DAMN DEGREES! the wind is gusting up to 16 mph from the SOUTH! that's a headwind! what? why in god's name would anyone be going north on sunday morning? are you mental?
i need sunday morning's temperatures to curve smoothly from 38 degrees at 7:00 am, to 50 at about 11:30. i need low humidity. and a tailwind. i was promised a tailwind. i converted to catholicism two weeks ago just to get low humidity and a tailwind. so help me god, and i mean that literally, i'll go aetheist!
no, i'm not spending taxpayer money staying glued to weather websites. i opened a personal credit card to pay a meteoroligist to sit in my office and give me verbal reports every ten minutes, freeing me up to study the course map carefully during my work hours. i don't know, he used to work in portland, then there was something about a career day visit to the local highschool. not important, except it made him a little more affordable.
so, you know, it's easy for you to sit there and mumble, with very poor diction, i might add, "look at me, my 72 year-old negligently mangled mouth hurts, i might die from the infection. wahhhh." but sunday morning, while you're watching faux news and gumming some pureed scrambled eggs, ima be at about mile 14, schvitzing through whatever nike dri-fit shirt i finally decide on, hoping the bandaids hold on over my nipples, and trying to focus on the hot girl in the black tights in front of me, hoping it'll distract me from the weird twinge of pain in my left ass cheek.
yeah, you're damn right. no, don't cry, you didn't know. now you do. call me back on tuesday. afternoon.
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